The Adventures of Gusamer

Once upon a time

who knows what time it was, they didn't have watches back then!

there was a young lad of a boy.

who was actually a teen-ager, but he looked about 2.

This child had a special way with inanimate objects.

meaning that the medical world thought that he was an insane being because he talked to things that could not talk -- or so they thought.

One day, the boy

let us call him "Gusamer"

set out on a long evening's walk. On that walk he met a stone.

not just any stone, mind you.

"Hullo Mr. Stone." Gusamer cried out. The boulder opened its eyes.

yes, this boulder has eyes!

"Hullo to ye Gusamer! What be ye doin' oot at this time o' day?"

a Scottish boulder, with eyes.

"I was going for one of my walks, so that I could converse with the sticks and stones of this fair land." The rock, seeming quite alarmed

for he had forgotten the code to the alarm system again

said: "Gusamer! Look out for Purple Elephants! They run rampant in wild packs at this time of night! You musn't let your poor little self be trampled upon."

Purple Elephant is a trademark of the one and only Purple Elephant Girl, namely Sarah Stephenson

But Gusamer was not afraid and went away on his walk.

Well, it isn't really a "walk". Gussy boy seems to have more of a side ways kind of gait step thingy, similar to that of a crab.

"Beware the Ides of March!" the rock bellowed out.

obviously well versed in Shakespeare, although it had nothing to do with this story

But Gusamer ignored the rock and met a stick. "Hullo Mr. Stick!" But the stick would not answer him.

for no apparent reason, I might add.

Saddened, Gusamer continued on talking to every little thing.

organic and inorganic, seeing that Gusamer is an equal opportunity inanimate object talker-to-er

Then all of a sudden a stampede of Purple Elephants

friendly ones, mind you

came barrelling down the hill that Gusamer had just engaged in conversation. The incredible speed of the Purple Elephants caused a magical anomaly to occur

in other words, anything can happen in this story so I'm gonna take FULL advantage of that!!

and Gusamer found himself caught up in it. The Purple Elephant herd transported Gusamer to the year 1997, and landed him in front of 15 Bradley Street in Guelph, Ontario.

Debi Norton's house -- no where near Gusamer's castle

Just then, Gusamer noticed an "odd" looking green "carriage" in the driveway of 15 Bradley Street. "It must be the new carriage in sports model!" Gusamer proclaimed.

referring to the Norton's Laser

"Hi, I'm Lizzy Laser" said the odd looking carriage.

Lizzy is the car's name

"Hullo, I'm Gusamer. What are you?"
"I'm a car. I'm sick, but I'll be better really soon," answered the car.

Little did the Norton's know that they had such a fluently speaking car!

"I'm lost. I think I'm feeling sick now too. Those darn Purple Elephants brought me here and then left as quickly as they came. I'll never understand Purple Elephants."

Gusamer is distraught by not being able to understand Purple Elephants.

"Don't worry. I'm sure that you'll understand them some day. Purple Elephants are nice, actually. The best one of all is the Purple Elephant Girl!

who, I repeat again, is Sarah Stephenson.

"Yuk. I don't like girls. Even Purple Elephant Girls!" stated Gusamer.

who is obviously of the mentality of a 2 year old as well

"No. You don't understand. The Purple Elephant Girl can get you back to where you came from. You need a Purple Elephant pager to bring the elephants back to you!"

the Purple Elephant pager will soon be marketed by Motorola!

"Lizzy, I don't think I can find a pager."
"Debi, my driver, is a certified Purple Elephant pager! I'll get her for you!"

the role of Debi Norton will be played by Debi Norton.

Lizzy honked her horn so that Debi would come out of the house.

enter Debi Norton, Purple Elephant pager, esquire, beautifully dressed in full purple elephant pager regalia.

"What is it, Lizzy? Oh, hello there. What's your name?" asked the purple pager person.
"I'm Gusamer. I need your help. Can you bring the elephants back so I can see the Purple Elephant Girl?"
"Why yes, I think I can. Here purple, purple, purple."

"purple, purple, purple" is the official Purple Elephant call of the 1998 Nagano, Japan, Winter Olympic games.

In a flurry the Purple Elephants stampeded back to Brady Lane. "Elephants, take Gusamer to the University of Ottawa to see the Purple Elephant Girl, by order of Debi Norton, pager princess!" The elephants were stunned by the presence of the pager princess, but followed the orders just the same.

who knew that Debi was royalty?

And Gusamer was off to Ottawa. "Bye, princess! Thank you. Bye Lizzy." cried the thrilled Gusamer. The Purple Elephants express couriered Gusamer directly to Sarah Stephenson's dorm room.

during the postal strike consider using Purple Elephant Express Couriers, the only way to send your mail!

"Well, here you are, Gusamer" said the herd of elephants.

actually, it was only Horatio (the second) who spoke to Gusamer

"Thank you, fellas. See you again sometime!" Gusamer knocked on Sarah's res door.

the role of Sarah Stephenson, Purple Elephant Girl, will be played by Sarah Stephenson, Purple Elephant Girl

The door opened. Standing there was the fantabulous Purple Elephant Girl. "Gusamer! I've been expecting you. What is it you want?"

the Purple Elephant Girl was decked out in complete in elegant Purple Elephant Girl attire, looking gorgeous!

The little Gusamer looked up at the kind face of the Purple Elephant Girl and cried "Please, I'd like to go home to where I came from. Your purple elephants time warped me to Guelph, and the Purple Elephant pager princess sent me here. I just want to go home."

at this phrase, Gusamer found himself quite exhausted by so many words in a row -- and all said so quickly too -- that he collapsed outside the door.

Sarah carried Gusamer in and sat him in a chair.
"Oh dear." she said. "He seems to be quite zonked out. What should I do? I can't do this in the usual fashion if he is out cold!"

the usual fashion being click your heels together and say 'there's no place like home' three times (à la Wizard of Oz)

"Oh well, I must try to do this myself then." So the Purple Elephant Girl went to her closet and changed from her elegant purple gown to a cool purple Nike warm up suit.

so that she didn't get her beautiful gown dirty by doing all of the gruntwork herself on this occasion.

oh yeah, Nike is a trademark of Nike. so there.

Kneeling down on the floor, beside the chair Gusamer was sleeping in, Sarah, P.E.G.

P.E.G. = Purple Elephant Girl (abbreviation)

grabbed Gusamer's boots. She clicked the heels of the boots together and said "there's no place like home" three times. To her great shock Gusamer remained seated in the chair. Just then, for some unexplainable reason, a vision appeared to Sarah, P.E.G.

the appearance of the vision is Donna Harris, the role of Donna Harris is played by Armand Asante.

The vision spoke and said:
"You're having a problem,
Could it be true,
That the feet of this child
Are not in his shoes?"

Then the vision disappeared.

if you like this poetry, more is available from Donna Harris at
"olivepeople @ hotmail . com"

Realising, in her state of utter exhaustion,

due to her dual status as university engineering student and the very busy Purple Elephant Girl -- which are each in themselves incredibly trying occupations

Sarah P.E.G. placed Gusamer's boots back on his feet.

holding her breath the entire time

Once again, the Purple Elephant Girl clicked the heels of Gusamer's boots together

with his feet in them this time

and said "there's no place like home" three times. Then Gusamer disappeared.
"Good," Sarah said. "Now I can get back into my elegant purple gown again!"

The next morning, Gusamer awoke. He found himself in his own bed in his own time.

which I still don't know, since they still didn't have watches!

He was pleased to be home, but couldn't wait for his next adventure with Purple Elephants.

and neither can I!

The End.

but probably not for long

Cast (in order of appearance)
Gusamer - some kid
Mr. Rock - some rock
Mr. Stick - some stick
the hill - some hill
herd of Purple Elephants - herd of Purple Elephants
Lizzy Laser - Lizzy Laser Look-alike
Debi Norton, Purple Elephant Pager Princess - Debi Norton
Horatio the Second - himself
Sarah Stephenson, Purple Elephant Girl - Sarah Stephenson
vision (looked like Donna Harris) - Armand Asante