The Adventures of Gusamer

A long time ago

and it really was this time! over a year. wow.

there was a tale

the kind that DOESN'T wag

written of a boy named Gusamer.

named what?!!

For those who don't know the story of Gusamer,

which is now available from Gusamer publications in both soft and hard cover versions

a long time ago

a little longer ago than the last "a long time ago"

the boy Gusamer

a teenager that had the appearance and mentality of a 2 year old

went for one of his walks

on which he converses with many inanimate objects

and was abducted by a herd of time travelling purple elephants.

oh my, you say!

Well, now Gusamer has grown up

he now has the mentality of a 3 year old.

and decided that he wants to move away from home.

somewhere south of Santa Fe, north of the Andes, and west of Peiking

Not realising he needed to pack or have money or a map,

just like a guy?!

he starts off on a walk that will just take longer than the others before.

at least 3 minutes

As he approached a foreign corner

only two blocks from his house... he never gets farther than that cos of those darn purple elephant herds!!!

he dutifully looks both ways before crossing the street.

"Everything I need to know, I learned in medieval kindergarten" also available from Gusamer publications

Since there are no high-speed cattle racing down the main drag, he safely proceeds to the other side.

High-speed cattle Indy racing, ESPN @ 3AM

"Hullo, Mr. Tree-in-these-foreign-woods. I've not met you before!"

there he goes talking to inanimate objects again!

The tree does not respond...

since she is deeply offended by being called "mister"

Gusamer, a tad confused,

a tad more than normal, actually

wanders deeper into the forest.

looking for a rock to talk to... they are generally more outgoing than trees for some reason.

"Hullo, *sniff*sniff*, Mr. Rock-in-these-foreign-woods," Gusamer spoke sadly.
The rock replied, "You must be Gusamer."

Gusamer's reputation usually preceeds him.
Purple elephant abductions tend to do that.

"Uh, do you have this flu that seems to be going around?" the rock inquired.
"Why no. *sniff*sniff* I'm just sad... I talked to a tree and it didn't answer me. I....."

As Gusamer was telling his tale

about the dear deciduous that duped and dumped him

to the rock, turned shrink,

no, that doesn't mean the rock became a pebble

a mysterious cloud of purple mist appeared in the distance.

Could it be that the purple elephants were coming for him yet again?

a Gusamer fixation, perhaps?

"OH NO!" Gusamer whined.

a non-alcoholic whine, of course

"Not again... I'm not in the mood for time travel today!"

I have to agree with Gussy on this one... who has the time for time travel?!

*#*#*#*#POOF#*#*#*#*

In an instant the purple mist was come and gone. A barren patch of earth on the forest floor lay where Mr. Rock-in-these-foreign-woods

talk about your hyphenated names! this is getting ridiculous!

once rested.

A further confused Gusamer stood staring at the vacant rock spot

considering opening a cafe, perhaps?

and scratching his head.

don't worry... lice weren't invented yet

"Hmmmm," he said to himself.

just speaking to another inanimate object, I suppose

"Double hmmmm," he elaborated.

realising he'd rarely talked to himself before

Contemplating moving on further into the woods, Gusamer turned towards the sun and started to walk...

backwards, but he WAS looking at the sun.

Just then another mysterious cloud of purple mist appeared in the distance.

It was perfect weather for purple elephant mists that day.

&&&KE-PLUP&&&

All at once, Mr. Rock-in-these-foreign-woods appeared again in his usual resting spot.

So much for the cafe.

As Gusamer began to open his mouth to ask the rock what had happened, the purple mist overcame him and he disappeared.

He also swallowed a fly from opening his mouth...
"I don't know why he swallowed that fly..."

@@@@@SWOOSH@@@@@

thud.

Dizzied by his flight,

via P.E. Air

Gusamer shook his head

which rattled a lot!

and rose to his feet.

Something tells me we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

He found a note pinned to his shirt, signed by the head of the herd, Horatio II.
It read something like this:

Sorry about your rock friend with the long name.
Our radar is on the fritz and we entered in the
wrong co-ordinates. Please convey our deepest
apologies when you next see him.

Sincerely,
Horatio II.

see, I told you he signed it!

Gus puts the message down and looks around, noticing that he is no longer in a wooded area but is inside some ediface.

So, by deductive reasoning, we know he isn't in a log cabin, or standing on hardwood flooring.

The room was filled with several strange little boxes of many shapes.

yes, Christmas is coming, but these aren't presents yet. Sorry.

There was a door to the east side of the room

we know this because there is a compass on the wall where the clock should be. The prop manager messed up again.

to where Gusamer swiftly made an exit.

and an entrance... isn't it fascinating how an exit is almost always an entrance? Uh, sorry 'bout that!

As Gusamer looks both ways along the corridor

still checking for those high-speed cattle... old habits die hard.

he sees a man enter into another room further down the hall.

yet another exit and entrance. wow.

Quickly, our hero bolts down the hall

bolts provided by Brafasco

and enters the room where the man went.

and interestingly, exited the hallway. Okay. I'll quit it now... you get the point.

He soon notices that the room is similar to the one he landed in, with many strange boxes of all shapes.

the only notable difference being the clock on the wall is actually a clock, so I can't tell you where the door placement is this time.

"HEY!! What are you doing in here?" hollers the man.

just the man, these boxes didn't say anything. Gusamer tried earlier to speak with the other boxes... I forgot to mention that part.

"Are you the new programmer? You aren't authorized be in here!"

note the use of the "z" in "authorized". This would hint that we are in the U.S., or in some part of Canada.

"These young kids they keep sending me... so silly looking. Look at you! You have purple gunk all over you. Go wash that stuff off!"
"Excuse me, sire. It is the purple elephant mist you are referring to as "gunk"... it is indelible, and will wear off after a few weeks."

Gusamer knows this from past experiences!

"What is your name sire?"
"Are you some kind of kook or something?"

well, we know that this guy's skills of observation are pretty keen!

"Purple elephant mists? Indelible purple gunk? And worst of all, who am I?!!?!"

Obviously, this guy has yet to hear of a Gusamer story.

"I am your new employer, Bill Gates!"

OOPS! I hope his name isn't copyrighted! Don't tell him I wrote this... Gusamer publications isn't insured.

"This is Microsoft."

HEY! We ARE in the States! Ta-da! See what those logic problems in grade school do for ya?

"You are trying my patience... I've had a rough day in court and I don't feel like putting up with a new intern, no matter how "creative" you think you are. Go away!"

Sounds like the anti-trust case isn't going too good (or well, if you are the English grammar type. I am not.)

"But, sire, Mr. Fences..."

obviously, Gus's ears were affected by the P.E. Air flight to the West Coast.

"I need to get home. Are you a purple elephant girl pager?"

for those uninformed of the ways of purple elephant based time travel, the only way for Gus to get home is to get in touch with the purple elephant girl, thus he needs an authorised (note the "s") pager.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Go away!"

Temper, temper, "Mr. Fences"!

So, Gusamer left.

It was his right... ha, funny. Okay, that wasn't very funny.

He returned to the room he arrived in

with the strange boxes, the door on the east side of the room, and the compass on the wall where the clock should be... just in case you skipped over that part.

and tried talking with the boxes again.

the part that I skipped over.

"Boxes? What are you?"

I think we all know the answer to this one now.

One kind "box"

who had been snoozing earlier... you'll just have to take my word for it.

answered, "We are computers... who are you that you can talk to us without typing or using voice recognition? Are you a fellow named Gusamer?"

Ahhh! This is one well read computer!

"Yes, Mr. Computer. I am Gusamer. Listen, I need to find a purple elephant girl pager so I can get home? Where can I find one?"

Since the computer is well versed in fine literature (and Gusamer stories) he was already aware of what a PEGpager is.

"You are in great luck! I AM a purple elephant girl pager."

wow. this great age of technology!

"All I have to do is email her and hope she checks it soon! I know that Sarah will be so happy to hear from you again."

For any who may not know, my friend Sarah Stephenson IS the Purple Elephant Girl (her email address proves it!)

"GREAT!!!!!" proclaimed Gusamer.

So, the kind computer

imagine that!!! I've not met one of those yet.

proceeded to contact Sarah via email.
"Uh oh!" said the computer.

NOW this is starting to sound like the computers I know!

"What's wrong? Has she changed email addresses?" inquired the Gus-ter.

not to be confused with a strong rush of wind.

"Sarah isn't available. Her account sent back an instant vacation reply."

Don't you just hate those? Especially when you're stuck in another time in history.

"But wait, she has sent instructions of what to do in the event that someone needs to return to there normal time before she gets back from her holiday."

Yeah, Sarah! Always thinking of others. :-)

The computer followed the instructions on the vacation reply... goto "http:\\www.becomeapurpleelephantgirlforaday.com"

don't try this at home, kids!

and downloaded the crash course on being her rep in her absence.
"Okay, kiddo. I'm ready now."

Pretty quick... the compu must be on "The Wave"!

"This is what it says: Repeat after me... 'Please stand for our National Anthem'"

don't worry folks! You can remain seated this time.

"Alrightee... 'Please stand for our National Anthem' "

Gus is British, but because of the whole commonwealth relationship, he doesn't mind standing.

The computer bursts forth into the beeping of the Canadian national anthem.

This is in memory of an amazing computer I was stuck using for 1 1/2 years in high school, that ALWAYS sang/beeped through the national anthem in the mornings. What a talent.

@@@@@SWOOSH@@@@@

thud.

"OUCH!!"
Gusamer landed on Mr. Rock-in-these-foreign-woods, hitting his head.

both heads, Gusamer's and Mr. Rock-in-the... AH! You know, the rock!

"Wow. I must be getting old. This time travel thing is getting tougher every time! Good day Mr. Rock-in-these-not-as-foreign-as-they-used-to-be-woods."

AHHHHHHHH! Why can't he just name the thing something simple, like Bob?!

"Maybe I'll come back and visit you later. I'm bushed, I'm going home to bed now," sighed Gus.
"Good day, Gusamer. Glad to see you back safe and sound," responded the rock.

Who cares what we call him, he never talks to ME anyway.

So, Gusamer left the not-so-foreign-as-they-used-to-be-woods and went back home to bed

totally forgetting that he left home "for good"

and hoped that the mysterious purple mist would give him a break for a couple of weeks, at least.

Wait.... what's that behind you Gusamer??

Fin.

no, not like on a fish, or a person in part of Scandinavia.

Cast (in order of appearance)

Gusamer - some kid
high speed cattle - missing in action

check out ESPN @ 3AM

Mr. Tree-in-these-foreign-woods - some hurt, female tree
Mr. Rock-in-these-foreign-woods,
aka Mr. Rock-in-these-not-as-foreign-as-they-used-to-be-woods,
aka Bob - some rock
herd of Purple Elephants, aka mysterious purple mist - herd of Purple Elephants
Horatio II, head of the herd - himself, or just his handwriting

do elephant's have hands?!?!

Bill Gates, aka Mr. Fences - some look alike

this is a budget production ya know!

Mr. Computer - some tired 386, but friendly
Sarah Stephenson, Purple Elephant Girl - represented by her vacation reply message